Plagued by corruption, Singapore’s charitable organisations to take pointers from the Government

SINGAPORE – Under a recent amendment to the Charities Act, all charitable organisations must now take classes from the Government on how to run their charities.

The amendment comes after two high profile cases of irregular conduct involving the chiefs of the two biggest charities in Singapore – TT DoLie, CEO of the National KeepMoney Foundation (NKF), and the Venal Monk Yee, head of Qi Ren Hospital (欺人医院).

Said a People’s Abuse Party (PAP) MP, Mr S Kisser, “This amendment is a stroke of genius. Singapore’s charities are having problems with corruption and bad management, so who better to teach them how to run charities than our incorruptible and wonderfully efficient government?”

The classes will be conducted by the Civil Service Company (CSC), the management consultancy firm in charge of training Singapore’s civil servants in “the business of government”.

Serious News has managed to get hold of a copy of the course booklet. The course summary is reproduced here:

Lesson 1: Removing the need for corruption through astronomical pay

• Determining the salary “sweet spot” so that the risks of corruption outweigh the marginal benefits
• How to justify pay hikes to the public

Lesson 2: Using defamation suits to silence those who question your managers’ integrity

• The correct way of employing defamation suits
• The tried and proven method to obtain a verdict in your favour
• Why DoLie failed – Pitfalls of challenging state establishments

Lesson 3: Building a cooperative relationship with the media

• Co-option and coercion – Getting the media to eschew negative coverage of your organisation
• The art of crafting persuasive press statements
• How to rebut insolent forum letters

Lesson 4: Removing the competition so that all donations go only to your organisation

• How to drive other charities out of business – Legal and extralegal means
• Tearing down your rivals’ reputations through orchestrated spin (requires mastery of Lesson 3)

Lesson 5: Recruiting suitable managers for your charity

• Standardised testing as a key indicator of competency
• Reel them in when they are young – Extending the scholarship bait
• How to gauge character and integrity through tea sessions

Tales of instability and lawlessness depress property prices in the West

SINGAPORE – Property prices in western Singapore have fallen precipitously in the past few weeks following official statements negatively describing the “free-wheeling” West, where the economy is allegedly crippled by protests while the social fabric is torn asunder by racial and religious violence that occur regularly due to untrammelled free speech rights.

Said a housewife, Mrs Gully Belle, “Wah… I didn’t know the West was so dangerous… At first my family was thinking of buying a new flat in Choa Chu Kang, but now I hear the government say about how unstable the West is, we don’t want to buy already.”

A Malay schoolteacher, Mr Naaiv, also said, “After hearing that the West was rife with racial and religious conflict spurred by unrestricted hate speech, I turned down an offer to work at Bukit Buttock Secondary School. I was afraid that I would face discrimination and abuse there.”

Serious News understands that a lack of staff and student enrolment has resulted in the closure of a few schools in the West, further driving down property prices in the region.

Those currently staying in the West, however, had completely different views.

Complained Mr Wes Turner, “If you listened to the Government’s distorted rhetoric, you would think that the West is inhabited by a mass of lawless barbarians who regularly wrestle and throw stones at each other, or that the people here have to rummage through rubbish to live due to an economy that has disintegrated under the strain of protests and demonstrations.

“The reality is that Westerners live happy, fulfilled and free lives. Not only do we enjoy material comfort and adequate leisure, we also live in a stable and harmonious environment made possible not by propagandistic government campaigns or state-imposed sanctions, but by mature, thinking adults who freely choose to act in a civilised manner as dignified human beings.”

When contacted about the issue, the Government said, “It is absurd to think that the property slump in western Singapore was engendered by our comments regarding the defects of a liberal democratic system.

“In any case, the prices will rebound once we build a new casino there.”

ISD arrests self-radicalised human right fanatic

SINGAPORE – The Internal Suppression Department (ISD) has arrested a self-radicalised human right fanatic, Mr Low Li Serf.

This marks the first time a human rights activist has been arrested after the categorisation of human rights as a “religion” by the Autocrat-General (A-G) Wata Bafoon.

Said an agent of the ISD, who wishes to remain anonymous due to the shameful nature of his job, “We have detained Mr Low after receiving reliable information that he was going to attend a protest march organised by the terrorist organisation, the Singapore Dissent Party (SDP).

“Mr Low was a self-radicalised fanatic who imbibed his extremist human rights ideology online. After being persuaded that civil obedience was a legitimate method to bring about political reform, he signed up for a protest march organised by the SDP.”

In order to demonstrate the point that Mr Low was self-radicalised, the ISD showed Serious News an online post made by Mr Low. In response to an article about human rights in everyday life, Mr Low had commented, “Thank you for opening my eyes on (sic) what human rights really are. I was not aware of such thing (sic) called human rights until now. I now know that I have the right to stand up for my rights.”

When interviewed about the arrest, A-G Bafoon said, “The emergence of self-radicalised human rights fanatics only shows how dangerous a rights-based discourse can be in the digital age, if left unchecked and unregulated. People with low IQ and education can be easily misled by the specious arguments of the charlatans, political opportunists and near-psychopaths that dominate the cyberspace. These people then try to impose their newly-learned dogma onto the rest of society through acts of terrorism like protest marches.”

“I’m not saying that human rights is bad,” A-G Bafoon was quick to clarify. “What I take issue with is the arrogant assumption that human rights should apply equally to all humans. The fact is different societies have different needs, and the Government should be the one to decide which rights society needs.”

Serious News understands that Mr Low will be detained indefinitely without trial until he is fully purged of his extremist beliefs through the counselling and re-education programme held by the ISD. The ISD has hired respected human rights pastors like Theo Li-Gian to conduct the re-education programme.

Judge to preside over her own divorce suit

SINGAPORE – In an unprecedented case, a judge of the Subordinated Courts of Singapore will be adjudicating her own divorce suit.

The judge, Judge Kang Ge Ru, was assigned the case randomly through normal court procedure. As there are only four judges serving on the family division of the Subordinated Courts, the chances of her receiving the case was 25%.

The lawyer representing the judge’s husband had requested that Judge Kang recuse herself from the proceedings in order to avoid any semblance of bias. However, his application was denied.

“What was observed and heard by me during my marriage and the mental and emotional anguish I had to suffer while living with my husband cannot be fully appreciated from a mere survey of the evidence or from listening to eyewitnesses,” said Judge Kang.

“Thus, only I will be able to render a proper verdict and arrive at the fairest distribution of assets and custodial rights.”

Judge Kang’s decision was vehemently protested by her estranged husband, Mr Han Pek Man.

“What foul logic is this? Does that mean that a victim of a robbery should preside over the case against the robber because he is best acquainted with what happened?”

Judge Kang has refused to answer her husband’s question.

“It is irrelevant,” she ruled.

Government to produce Newtrient bars to alleviate food crisis

SINGAPORE – In the face of a global food crisis and skyrocketing food prices, the Ministry of Food has announced the production of Newtrient bars to help mitigate the food situation in Singapore.

Newtrient bars are nutrition bars containing nutrients processed from human faeces. The name is a play on NEWater, which is produced using the pioneering concept of recycling human urine for public consumption.

Said the Minister for Food, Mr Letem Yitshit, “After years of research and development, and with the kind help of NEWater experts from the Public Urine Bank (PUB), we have managed to develop a process that can turn human digestive remainders into nutritious food.”

(Serious News understands that “human digestive remainders” is the Ministry’s preferred term for shit.)

“Singapore is a blessed country where most of the people have more than enough to eat. As a result, Singaporeans don’t fully absorb all the nutrients from what they eat. Our studies have shown that the average Singaporean only absorbs 75% of the nutrients in their food, with the remainder being passed out as remainders.

“Our new patented process removes the inedible elements from human digestive remainders, such as E. Coli and Salmonella bacteria. It also removes chemicals that contribute to the strong taste and smell of the remainders. Additional nutrients and flavouring is added, and the entire product is compressed into a bar form. The end result is a tasty Newtrient bar that contains the same amount of nutrition as an entire meal.

“At only $2.50 apiece, the Newtrient bar is a healthy, wholesome meal for people who cannot afford the prevailing food prices. It is also a quick and convenient alternative for working professionals who are pressed for time.”

The Newtrient bar has received applause from various quarters.

Said a spokersperson for the Health Prescription Board, “The Newtrient bar is free of trans fat and full of vitamins and minerals. Best of all, it is 100% organic.”

The Ate Daze magazine’s food section gave it four-and-a-half out of five stars. Wrote the critic, Ped Too Lye, “The robust aroma and flavour of the Newtrient bar coupled with its grainy yet smooth texture contributes to a unique gustatory experience.”

The Newtrient bar comes in four variants – Brown, Black, Yellow and Green, and are sold at all major supermarkets in Singapore.

Foreign cars barred from using roads within 50km of Malaysian border

KUALA LUMPUR – The Malaysian government has imposed a ban on all foreign-registered vehicles on roads within 50 kilometres of Malaysia’s northern and southern borders.

The move was aimed at preventing abuse of the tax dollars used to build the roads.

Explained Malaysian Transportation Minister, Tun Hussein Moore On, “We must ensure that foreigners do not leech off the Malaysian taxpayer monies used to build and maintain these roads.”

Singaporeans are naturally outraged by the ban. Mrs Sue Kia, a housewife who often goes across the causeway to shop, complained, “How am I supposed to take advantage of the cheaper groceries in JB? Does the Malaysian government expect us to walk? Or perhaps they want us to take bus and train – but does Malaysia even have a public transport system?”

Malaysians, on the whole, are pleased with the measure. Said Mr Cheet Mani, a JB taxi driver, “My daily earnings have increased by 300% since the ban. Unlike locals, Singaporeans do not know the usual taxi fares and are easier to con – I once charged a Singaporean fifty ringgit for a ten minute journey!”

But not all Malaysians are happy. Said a dejected Mr Kri Minal, “I used to earn a living by bashing in the windscreens of Singaporean cars parked in carparks here and stealing any handbags or wallets left inside them. I earned an average of three thousand ringgit per month like this – even after deducting the amount I pay to the police to look the other way. But now I have lost my ricebowl.”

Nevertheless, the Transportation Minister promised that this would only be a temporary measure. “We are only implementing this ban for the time being while we seek alternative methods to prevent Singaporeans from profiting from Malaysian tax money. We are currently exploring a few high-tech solutions that will solve our problems.

“For example, we are looking into replacing the street lights in the border states with new ones that need to be activated with MyKad before they come on (MyKad is the name of the Malaysian NRIC; it comes with microchip features). This will ensure that foreigners do not enjoy street lighting that is paid for by Malaysian taxpayers.

“After all, they have their Horsburgh lighthouse on their beloved Pulau Batu Putih, right? They should use that to light their way.”

The Straits Jacket explains one-sided coverage of Lee v. Chee trial

SINGAPORE – The Straits Jacket, Singapore’s main English broadsheet, has held a press conference to explain its extremely biased coverage of the hearing to assess damages for the Lees in their defamation suit against the SDP and its leaders.

The Straits Jacket had been heavily lambasted for its flagrantly tendentious reporting on the Lee v. Chee trial, which saw many customers cancelling their subscriptions to the newspaper in disgust.

Only journalists from newspapers owned by the Singapore Propaganda Headquarters (SPH) and MediaCrap were invited to the press conference. However, our reporter managed to slip in unnoticed by wearing a straitjacket, the working uniform of The Straits Jacket reporters.

The Straits Jacket’s Head of Public Relations, Ms Charlotte Tan, fielded questions from various reporters regarding the issue. The following is a selection of some of the questions posed and the answers given:

Reporter from Lianhe Jiabao (联合假报, a Chinese broadsheet owned by SPH): Can you explain why your articles on the hearing meticulously reproduced the accusations and insults hurled by the Lees and their lawyer towards Chee, while giving virtually no coverage to Chee’s arguments?

Ms Tan: The role of the press in Singapore is not to question the government, but to support its nation-building efforts. The arguments made by the Lees and their lawyer helped expose Chee’s pernicious falsehoods and dangerous political agenda, thus serving the purpose of nation-building.

On the other hand, Chee’s slanderous remarks had the potential to undermine the reputation of our leaders and diminish the people’s confidence in them, and were detrimental to nation-building. Therefore, we had no choice but to avoid reporting on his arguments.

Reporter from Toady (a free English newsdaily owned by MediaCrap): Why did you make such a big deal of Cheek Sore Chin’s (Chee’s sister) requests for an adjournment of the hearing?

Ms Tan: Her alleged toothache was clearly an excuse to interrupt and further delay the proceedings. This has been the trial strategy of her and her brother all along. Our readers have the right to know the depths to which the SDP would stoop to waste the precious time of our beloved MM and PM.

Reporter from The Neutered Paper (an English tabloid owned by SPH): Your Sports section is super small leh. Your articles on the trial should be put in the Sports section lol. Don’t you think the trial is like a sport with two teams fighting each other, a referee and people watching?

Ms Tan: Thank you for your feedback. It is very profound and intelligent, just like the news you normally carry in your paper.

Blogger arrested for posting picture of herself eating spaghetti

SINGAPORE – A blogger who goes by the online moniker of “Sexy Fragrance Princess” has been arrested for posting an image that wounded the religious feelings of others.

The picture in question was a photo of her eating spaghetti bolognaise at an Italian bistro. It was reported to the police by an offended male who subscribes to Pastafarianism.

Pastafarianism is a religion that believes in the existence of a deity called the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Said the male who reported the picture, Mr Riley Gus Frick, “The picture in question was extremely offensive to us Pastafarians because we worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster as our God.

“While adherents of some religions might have no problems with eating the flesh of their deity or drinking his blood, we Pastafarians are not one of them. Pictures portraying our God being eaten is as offensive to us as depictions of Prophet Muhammad are to Muslims.

“We too have a right not to have our religious feelings offended.”

Sexy Fragrance Princess’s lawyer is nonetheless confident that his client is innocent. “The spaghetti my client was eating was not flying, nor was it monstrous. As such, it cannot be construed to be the God of Pastafarians, which is not plain spaghetti but the Flying Spaghetti Monster.”

However, a legal academic from the National University of Sinopolis (NUS) disagreed. “It doesn’t matter if the depiction of the Flying Spaghetti Monster was inaccurate in certain respects. All that matters is whether the Pastafarians were offended or not. Clearly, the resemblance was enough to cause them great offence, and in Singapore, the right not to be offended trumps the freedom of speech. Thus, it is unlikely that the blogger will be given the benefit of the doubt.”

SMU students invent new advertising technique

SINGAPORE – A group of students from the Sales and Marketing University (SMU) have done their school proud by pioneering a bold new marketing scheme that promises to change the advertising landscape in Singapore.

The advertising technique exploits the unique media regulations in Singapore to help create awareness of products and stimulate consumer interest in them. By injecting verboten material into the advertising campaigns of the products, the students were able to increase the viewership of their advertisements by 530%. The following is an excerpt of our interview with the head of the project group, Ms Selliceto Eskimos.

Serious News (SN): What was the source of inspiration for your new marketing idea?

Ms Eskimos: Over the past few years, we have heard so much news about media being censored, banned or confiscated by the authorities in Singapore. So, as good SMU students, we asked ourselves, could this be turned into a marketing opportunity? After doing more research, we found that the more the authorities tried to suppress something, the more advertising it received in the form of word-of-mouth, blog entries, forum posts and even news reports.

For example, the game “Massive Fat” was initially banned because it contained a scene of two pairs of lips touching. Paradoxically, banning the game only resulted in free advertising for it, helping it obtain higher sales volume when the ban was ultimately overturned. Similarly, films like “One Corporation Under Lee” were virtually unknown until the authorities gave it free publicity by confiscating it when it was filmed at a private gathering.

Thus, we theorised that the power of censorship can be harnessed to sell products.

SN: So how did you go about proving your hypothesis?

Ms Eskimos: As an experiment, we crafted an advertisement for our university that depicted NUS and NTU students standing stupidly at the side of a deserted road, unwilling to cross because the red man was on. In contrast, SMU students crossed the road in defiance of the traffic light. The other students only started crossing after they saw the SMU students doing so. The tagline of the advertisement was “Above all, it’s about defining the rules”.

As predicted, the authorities disapproved the commercial on the grounds that it contradicted community values and advocated unlawful behaviour. However, we posted it on YouTube and circulated news of the ban in the blogosphere. Two days later, the mainstream media also picked up the news. Soon, our video got more than 500,000 views, and applicants to our university increased by 65% for that admissions cycle. We managed to reach our target audience without having to spend a single cent on TV ads.

In fact, the advertisement was more effective because viewers had actively sought it out, and were thus more receptive to its message. It would have been less impactful and persuasive had viewers merely absorbed it passively during a commercial break. Furthermore, the very fact that our advertisement was barred by the authorities enhances our image as a cool and edgy university that isn’t afraid to push the boundaries, encouraging creative mavericks to favour us over the alternatives.

SN: But won’t the authorities soon wise up to this scheme and react accordingly?

Ms Eskimos: It doesn’t matter. For all its much vaunted pragmatism, the Singapore Government is really fond of futile and counter-productive symbolic gestures. Censorship is one of them – the bureaucratic elite know that censoring something only achieves the opposite effect of giving it more publicity and piquing people’s interest in it, but they continue doing it because it fortifies their illusion of being in control. It reinforces their belief that they are intellectually superior to the rest of society, that they are uniquely qualified to decide which material is suitable for public consumption and which is too complex, confusing, controversial or racy for the plebeians to handle.

Lees win court injunction to silence Chee

SINGAPORE – In the latest development in the defamation suit brought by MM Lee Ka Yu and his son against Singapore Dissent Party (SDP) Secretary-General Chee Soon Dumb, the plaintiffs have successfully obtained a court injunction to constrain Chee and his lawyer, Mute Ravi, from speaking.

Said the lawyer representing the Lees, Defend d’Sin, “We have filed a motion requesting that the judge bar the defendant and his lawyer from speaking. This is because we have strong reason to believe that any speech that emerges from the larynges of Chee and his lawyer would constitute an offence under the Sedition Act, which defines a seditious tendency as a tendency to, inter alia, ‘bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the Government’ and ‘bring into hatred or contempt or to excite disaffection against the administration of justice in Singapore’.”

The judge presiding over the case, Justice Buryda Wrong, agreed. “From my past observations of Chee and Ravi, it is true that they have a predilection for making remarks that derogate the Government and Judiciary of Singapore. As such, I have taken the necessary step of enjoining them from speaking throughout the duration of the trial. This is to ensure that my courtroom would not be defiled by any seditious speech.

“Chee and Ravi will also not be allowed to present any form of written communication, as the written word is equally susceptible to being a vehicle for seditious ideas. They would however be allowed to use hand gestures to argue their case, as there is less scope for conveying seditious remarks through hand gestures.”

When interviewed, Ravi was visibly distraught. “This is a complete mockery of justice. What happened to freedom of speech? What happened to the right to a fair trial? How am I supposed to defend Chee if I’m not allowed to speak or submit documents? This is an outrage!”

Justice Wrong, however, was unmoved. “There is no absolute right to free speech or a fair trial. With rights come responsibilities, and Chee and Ravi have shown themselves to be clearly irresponsible people who have repeatedly attacked the Government and the administration of justice in Singapore. They are thus undeserving of any rights.

“In any case, whether they can speak or not makes no difference, since I have already received – sorry, made – my decision regarding the case.”

Chee was unavailable for comment as he had embarked on a thirty-day “speech fast” to protest the recent decision. Serious News understands that Chee will be standing in front of the High Court with a gag in his mouth every day to highlight his plight, starting tomorrow. Interested readers are advised to go early in the morning to watch before the exhibit is removed by the police.