ISD arrests self-radicalised human right fanatic

SINGAPORE – The Internal Suppression Department (ISD) has arrested a self-radicalised human right fanatic, Mr Low Li Serf.

This marks the first time a human rights activist has been arrested after the categorisation of human rights as a “religion” by the Autocrat-General (A-G) Wata Bafoon.

Said an agent of the ISD, who wishes to remain anonymous due to the shameful nature of his job, “We have detained Mr Low after receiving reliable information that he was going to attend a protest march organised by the terrorist organisation, the Singapore Dissent Party (SDP).

“Mr Low was a self-radicalised fanatic who imbibed his extremist human rights ideology online. After being persuaded that civil obedience was a legitimate method to bring about political reform, he signed up for a protest march organised by the SDP.”

In order to demonstrate the point that Mr Low was self-radicalised, the ISD showed Serious News an online post made by Mr Low. In response to an article about human rights in everyday life, Mr Low had commented, “Thank you for opening my eyes on (sic) what human rights really are. I was not aware of such thing (sic) called human rights until now. I now know that I have the right to stand up for my rights.”

When interviewed about the arrest, A-G Bafoon said, “The emergence of self-radicalised human rights fanatics only shows how dangerous a rights-based discourse can be in the digital age, if left unchecked and unregulated. People with low IQ and education can be easily misled by the specious arguments of the charlatans, political opportunists and near-psychopaths that dominate the cyberspace. These people then try to impose their newly-learned dogma onto the rest of society through acts of terrorism like protest marches.”

“I’m not saying that human rights is bad,” A-G Bafoon was quick to clarify. “What I take issue with is the arrogant assumption that human rights should apply equally to all humans. The fact is different societies have different needs, and the Government should be the one to decide which rights society needs.”

Serious News understands that Mr Low will be detained indefinitely without trial until he is fully purged of his extremist beliefs through the counselling and re-education programme held by the ISD. The ISD has hired respected human rights pastors like Theo Li-Gian to conduct the re-education programme.

Judge to preside over her own divorce suit

SINGAPORE – In an unprecedented case, a judge of the Subordinated Courts of Singapore will be adjudicating her own divorce suit.

The judge, Judge Kang Ge Ru, was assigned the case randomly through normal court procedure. As there are only four judges serving on the family division of the Subordinated Courts, the chances of her receiving the case was 25%.

The lawyer representing the judge’s husband had requested that Judge Kang recuse herself from the proceedings in order to avoid any semblance of bias. However, his application was denied.

“What was observed and heard by me during my marriage and the mental and emotional anguish I had to suffer while living with my husband cannot be fully appreciated from a mere survey of the evidence or from listening to eyewitnesses,” said Judge Kang.

“Thus, only I will be able to render a proper verdict and arrive at the fairest distribution of assets and custodial rights.”

Judge Kang’s decision was vehemently protested by her estranged husband, Mr Han Pek Man.

“What foul logic is this? Does that mean that a victim of a robbery should preside over the case against the robber because he is best acquainted with what happened?”

Judge Kang has refused to answer her husband’s question.

“It is irrelevant,” she ruled.

Government to produce Newtrient bars to alleviate food crisis

SINGAPORE – In the face of a global food crisis and skyrocketing food prices, the Ministry of Food has announced the production of Newtrient bars to help mitigate the food situation in Singapore.

Newtrient bars are nutrition bars containing nutrients processed from human faeces. The name is a play on NEWater, which is produced using the pioneering concept of recycling human urine for public consumption.

Said the Minister for Food, Mr Letem Yitshit, “After years of research and development, and with the kind help of NEWater experts from the Public Urine Bank (PUB), we have managed to develop a process that can turn human digestive remainders into nutritious food.”

(Serious News understands that “human digestive remainders” is the Ministry’s preferred term for shit.)

“Singapore is a blessed country where most of the people have more than enough to eat. As a result, Singaporeans don’t fully absorb all the nutrients from what they eat. Our studies have shown that the average Singaporean only absorbs 75% of the nutrients in their food, with the remainder being passed out as remainders.

“Our new patented process removes the inedible elements from human digestive remainders, such as E. Coli and Salmonella bacteria. It also removes chemicals that contribute to the strong taste and smell of the remainders. Additional nutrients and flavouring is added, and the entire product is compressed into a bar form. The end result is a tasty Newtrient bar that contains the same amount of nutrition as an entire meal.

“At only $2.50 apiece, the Newtrient bar is a healthy, wholesome meal for people who cannot afford the prevailing food prices. It is also a quick and convenient alternative for working professionals who are pressed for time.”

The Newtrient bar has received applause from various quarters.

Said a spokersperson for the Health Prescription Board, “The Newtrient bar is free of trans fat and full of vitamins and minerals. Best of all, it is 100% organic.”

The Ate Daze magazine’s food section gave it four-and-a-half out of five stars. Wrote the critic, Ped Too Lye, “The robust aroma and flavour of the Newtrient bar coupled with its grainy yet smooth texture contributes to a unique gustatory experience.”

The Newtrient bar comes in four variants – Brown, Black, Yellow and Green, and are sold at all major supermarkets in Singapore.