SINGAPORE – In the face of a global food crisis and skyrocketing food prices, the Ministry of Food has announced the production of Newtrient bars to help mitigate the food situation in Singapore.
Newtrient bars are nutrition bars containing nutrients processed from human faeces. The name is a play on NEWater, which is produced using the pioneering concept of recycling human urine for public consumption.
Said the Minister for Food, Mr Letem Yitshit, “After years of research and development, and with the kind help of NEWater experts from the Public Urine Bank (PUB), we have managed to develop a process that can turn human digestive remainders into nutritious food.”
(Serious News understands that “human digestive remainders” is the Ministry’s preferred term for shit.)
“Singapore is a blessed country where most of the people have more than enough to eat. As a result, Singaporeans don’t fully absorb all the nutrients from what they eat. Our studies have shown that the average Singaporean only absorbs 75% of the nutrients in their food, with the remainder being passed out as remainders.
“Our new patented process removes the inedible elements from human digestive remainders, such as E. Coli and Salmonella bacteria. It also removes chemicals that contribute to the strong taste and smell of the remainders. Additional nutrients and flavouring is added, and the entire product is compressed into a bar form. The end result is a tasty Newtrient bar that contains the same amount of nutrition as an entire meal.
“At only $2.50 apiece, the Newtrient bar is a healthy, wholesome meal for people who cannot afford the prevailing food prices. It is also a quick and convenient alternative for working professionals who are pressed for time.”
The Newtrient bar has received applause from various quarters.
Said a spokersperson for the Health Prescription Board, “The Newtrient bar is free of trans fat and full of vitamins and minerals. Best of all, it is 100% organic.”
The Ate Daze magazine’s food section gave it four-and-a-half out of five stars. Wrote the critic, Ped Too Lye, “The robust aroma and flavour of the Newtrient bar coupled with its grainy yet smooth texture contributes to a unique gustatory experience.”
The Newtrient bar comes in four variants – Brown, Black, Yellow and Green, and are sold at all major supermarkets in Singapore.
